Madonna (No, Not That Madonna) vs. Whore (Yes, That Madonna)

I worked with a girl, let's call her Brianna Banks, who I was somewhat attracted to. She wasn't all that great looking--she was attractive, but not excessively so. She wasn't that smart, but she seemed fun--good for a short-time or every-once-in-awhile thing. We flirted from time to time at work, and I toyed with the idea of asking her out a few times, but I never got around to doing it.

Then one day, a guy she was casually seeing came in to pick her up. He was a big and scruffy-looking. He wore a hoodie and a baseball hat, accompanied with skater shoes and big baggy jeans. He looked like he graduated from elementary school and thought, 'Well, that's it for me!', and moved straight on to a career in automobile theft. I was kind of turned off by the character she attracted, but I didn't say anything--I hardly knew the girl anyway.

In a classy move, Brianna came into work a few nights later with three large hickeys on her neck. On another occasion around that time, she disclosed over drinks that she had let a couple of dudes double up on her one time.

Something happened to my feelings about her over this brief period. I was initially grossed out, of course, and any interest in dating her vanished as quickly as the desire to copulate after a lengthy jerk session. However, also much like the desire to copulate after a lengthy jerk session, the desire to copulate with her returned after a short period of time, although without any inkling of romantic involvement--just pure unadulterated lust remained.

These feelings of mine are part of a strange duality that has been researched and labeled "The Madonna/Whore dichotomy". Robert Wright, author of The Moral Animal, discusses the theory:

For males to dichotomise between the kind of women they would like to marry and invest in, and the kind of women they would be happy to sleep around with, but would not want to invest heavily in, that just makes theoretical sense. If a woman seems to be extremely promiscuous, it doesn’t make Darwinian sense for a man to be terribly eager to marry her since after all there would then be the fairly high chance that he would spend his time investing in children that were not in fact his. So first of all it makes theoretical sense that men would be designed by natural selection to prefer lifelong mates who were on the Madonna-ish side of the spectrum.

It's easy to see the attraction to the possiblity of a romp in the hay with a slutty broad, but I certainly wouldn't waste any money on flowers and Russell Stover chocolates for her, since she's probably out banging random dudes she met down at The Roxy. And what happens if she gets pregnant by one of the dudes while I'm picking up goodies for her at K-Mart and the florist? I get stuck raising random meathead's kid, that's what happens.

To exemplify this theory even further, I offer to you exhibit B:

My best friend Johnny started seeing a girl called June. June was from Guatemala, and had an ass like woah and a rack that was worthy of of being cast in bronze and placed upon the wall in the living room. Not only was June a looker, but she was funny, smart, kind, and fun to be around. Johnny is a rather handsome and successful feller, and could have easily been placed on the "best of" list of "most eligible bachelors" when he met her. In other words, they deserved each other. After about two months of seeing each other, I got a call from Johnny.

"Chris, I think I really like June," he told me.
"That's great, I'm glad you're happy."
"There's only one problem," he lamented. "We've been seeing each other for two months and I've gotten only as far as first base."
"Huh. Is it a relig--"
"No, it's not a religious thing. She says that she wants to be sure she can trust me or something."
"I don't know dude, I guess you'll just have to earn her trust then."

A couple of months later, I learned the situation hadn't gotten any better. Cue the phone:

"Chris, you got any good porn?"
"You've borrowed everything I have, man. I don't know what to tell you."
"I'm going insane here. I really like this girl, but it's getting to make-it-or-break-it time."
"Take her away for a nice weekend. If four months isn't enough to earn her trust, a nice dinner and a stay in the Doubletree should do the trick."

So they planned a trip, and a month later they enjoyed coitus together. I hear he used the jaws of life and a jackhammer to ease his entry.

Fast-forward to present day, in an e-mail I received from him recently:

. . .If you're wondering, [June] and I are doing really really well, and I could possibly propose pretty soon. I'll keep you posted.

I won't go so far as to say that Johnny stuck with her because of her prudish nature, but her insistence on holding out commanded respect, and triggered something in my friend's neanderthal instincts that said "Hey good buddy, this little lady ain't no hoe--she'd be good candidate to raise youngins with."

June followed Momma's advice (as dictated here by Robert Wright):

Mothers have been telling their daughters for centuries, if a man gets the idea too early that you’re too easy, he may not maintain romantic interest in you in a serious way. ...Darwinian theory gives us some reason to believe that that advice does get at something that’s true about male psychology.

Nobody wants to marry Madonna¹ (yes, that Madonna), (although we would likely bang her with no problem)--she slept with Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman and Big Daddy Kane and Prince and Mick Jagger and The 1988 Chicago Bears and the cast from the funeral scene in Gandhi and former Attorney General Janet Reno for God's sake. What you do want is someone who makes you feel like you're touching her for the very first time--like the virgin (yes, that Madonna).

¹Except, evidently, for Sean Penn and Guy Ritchie, and probably that guy Carlos Leon, Madonna's fitness trainer who fathered one of her kids.