How To Succeed In Sexology Without Really Trying
The following guidelines are contemptible, despicable, and crude. They also work really well, in my experience.
1. Just shut up and let her make you into the man of her dreams. I've found that if you leave the details out of it, and just listen to what she says, she'll usually create your ungiven response to be what she hopes it would be. You can't not say anything, ever, but if what you do say ends up being right at least half the time, you'll be better off than if you were to try and impress her with your philosophy on language and its description of humanity.
2. Don't put up with any shit. You shouldn't be a dick about it, but you should stand up for yourself. If she says that she's going to call you at a certain time and then doesn't, don't call her in the hopes that she just forgot or something. Don't apologize when it isn't necessary.
3. When seeing multiple girls, offer as little detail as possible, but "reward" them with personal insight from time to time so it seems like she's "really getting to know you". She may be suspicious once she realizes that you don't answer her phone calls immediately, but instead call her back in hushed tones in what sounds like (and in actuality, is) a public toilet, but she'll forget all about that when you tell her the story about the time in third grade when you called the teacher "Mommy".
4. Don't blow your wad at the beginning. I believe that all relationships are power struggles, especially at the beginning when you're trying to figure out what's going on. One of the biggest mistakes guys make is spending money on very expensive dinners, or plays, or whatever (especially when they don't really have the money) in order to get with a girl when they haven't slept with yet, and they aren't even really sure if they like her or not. Spending a bunch of money on a girl won't necessarily impress her, and you'll feel stupid if you weren't just doing it out of the kindness of your heart (which you weren't, you sleaze).
5. Don't buy her gifts until the power struggle is just about over. Many people object to the term "power struggle", but that's probably because they're losing the power struggle. It's really not as violent as the term makes it sound. In every relationship, there's always one person who "likes the other more". It's OK to really like someone, but in truth, nobody wants somebody they can have any time they want. Keep up the pandering and gushing about how pretty she is, and you'll be standing there with just your dick in your hand for company. This means no flowers, no teddy bears, no shirts, no lingerie, no perfume, until you're over that awkward "getting to know you" period.
6. If you're just in it for the 'tang, always start off with the phrase "I'm not looking for anything serious right now". This one of the best tricks in the book. If you start out from the beginning saying that you don't want to get serious, she can never call out "But I thought we were gonna beeee together!" after you've given her the boot. The best thing about this trick is that you'll almost always be forced to pull out the "I'm not looking for anything serious right now" card--women always think that you don't really mean it, or that she can be the girl who will make you want something serious, because she's special. Stay one step ahead and save yourself with this simple phrase. Get the 'tang, and then play the card when she starts leaving her tampons at your place.
7. Don't be afraid to bring her down to your level. A lot of guys are intimidated by very attractive women. There's often a good reason for this: very attractive women know they're very attractive, and they can sense insecurity a mile away. As shallow as it may sound, a good way to knock out this barrier is to make fun of her. I don't mean you should call her names or anything, but I mean you should give her a left-handed compliment ("Wow, I like your nails. Are they real? No? Oh." (Then make a face as if real nails are the most important thing in your life.)) or a playful knock. If nothing else, this will show that you're confident enough to talk to a very attractive girl without wetting yourself. She's just been pandered to by nineteen jerkoffs who want to buy her a drink, but now she knows you, who couldn't care less if she gets a free drink. You have become more interesting than the nineteen other jerkoffs.
It is important to note that you shouldn't just start making fun of average girls, or even good-looking girls who aren't being pandered to. Most girls have enough image issues as it is without us coming up and going "Gee, your ass sure is huge."
1. Just shut up and let her make you into the man of her dreams. I've found that if you leave the details out of it, and just listen to what she says, she'll usually create your ungiven response to be what she hopes it would be. You can't not say anything, ever, but if what you do say ends up being right at least half the time, you'll be better off than if you were to try and impress her with your philosophy on language and its description of humanity.
2. Don't put up with any shit. You shouldn't be a dick about it, but you should stand up for yourself. If she says that she's going to call you at a certain time and then doesn't, don't call her in the hopes that she just forgot or something. Don't apologize when it isn't necessary.
3. When seeing multiple girls, offer as little detail as possible, but "reward" them with personal insight from time to time so it seems like she's "really getting to know you". She may be suspicious once she realizes that you don't answer her phone calls immediately, but instead call her back in hushed tones in what sounds like (and in actuality, is) a public toilet, but she'll forget all about that when you tell her the story about the time in third grade when you called the teacher "Mommy".
4. Don't blow your wad at the beginning. I believe that all relationships are power struggles, especially at the beginning when you're trying to figure out what's going on. One of the biggest mistakes guys make is spending money on very expensive dinners, or plays, or whatever (especially when they don't really have the money) in order to get with a girl when they haven't slept with yet, and they aren't even really sure if they like her or not. Spending a bunch of money on a girl won't necessarily impress her, and you'll feel stupid if you weren't just doing it out of the kindness of your heart (which you weren't, you sleaze).
5. Don't buy her gifts until the power struggle is just about over. Many people object to the term "power struggle", but that's probably because they're losing the power struggle. It's really not as violent as the term makes it sound. In every relationship, there's always one person who "likes the other more". It's OK to really like someone, but in truth, nobody wants somebody they can have any time they want. Keep up the pandering and gushing about how pretty she is, and you'll be standing there with just your dick in your hand for company. This means no flowers, no teddy bears, no shirts, no lingerie, no perfume, until you're over that awkward "getting to know you" period.
6. If you're just in it for the 'tang, always start off with the phrase "I'm not looking for anything serious right now". This one of the best tricks in the book. If you start out from the beginning saying that you don't want to get serious, she can never call out "But I thought we were gonna beeee together!" after you've given her the boot. The best thing about this trick is that you'll almost always be forced to pull out the "I'm not looking for anything serious right now" card--women always think that you don't really mean it, or that she can be the girl who will make you want something serious, because she's special. Stay one step ahead and save yourself with this simple phrase. Get the 'tang, and then play the card when she starts leaving her tampons at your place.
7. Don't be afraid to bring her down to your level. A lot of guys are intimidated by very attractive women. There's often a good reason for this: very attractive women know they're very attractive, and they can sense insecurity a mile away. As shallow as it may sound, a good way to knock out this barrier is to make fun of her. I don't mean you should call her names or anything, but I mean you should give her a left-handed compliment ("Wow, I like your nails. Are they real? No? Oh." (Then make a face as if real nails are the most important thing in your life.)) or a playful knock. If nothing else, this will show that you're confident enough to talk to a very attractive girl without wetting yourself. She's just been pandered to by nineteen jerkoffs who want to buy her a drink, but now she knows you, who couldn't care less if she gets a free drink. You have become more interesting than the nineteen other jerkoffs.
It is important to note that you shouldn't just start making fun of average girls, or even good-looking girls who aren't being pandered to. Most girls have enough image issues as it is without us coming up and going "Gee, your ass sure is huge."
posted by Chris Cusack at 8:16 PM
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