Take my Advice

Dan Savage's sex and relationship advice column, Savage Love, is advertised as the most popular advice column on the net, and with good reason. This homo knows how to give advice. However, when he was on vacation for the last two weeks, his office contacted me and said that they were looking for an apprentice. Here's a transcript from that conversation.

EDITOR: So since Dan's out of town, we thought you might be interested in writing your own column based on questions that he receives. What do you think?

ME: Sure, sounds good. But why me?

EDITOR: Well, we wanted another gay guy to answer the questions in the same homoerotic way that he does--the lusting after Andy Roddick bit is very popular you know--

ME: Wait--I'm not gay!

EDITOR: The job pays $14,000 a week.

ME: I wish I could come back reincarnated as Andy Roddick's jock strap. "Santorum" is a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter! I like to wear, uh, unitards!

EDITOR: That's the spirit!

Here is my first attempt:

I have a "bend-over boyfriend" who I love very much and we've been dating for almost a year. I am his first "strap-on girlfriend." For a while the sex was hot and explosive. Then a few months ago we cooled off something fierce. The BF was under a lot of stress and he told me that sex was just the last thing on his mind. He seemed sincere and he made an effort after that, but that wasn't what bothered me.

I came across a business card for a gay men's bathhouse in his place. That shook me up. He claimed he didn't know where the card came from, or even what a bathhouse was. He said he understood my fear and that night he curled up to me and told me he loved me.

Well, shortly afterward I saw that he had looked up the same bathhouse on his computer and bookmarked it. I freaked. He said that he thought originally it was a toyshop and that's why he had looked up the website, and that he didn't realize he'd bookmarked it. He claimed again that there was nothing to worry about.

I find myself completely paranoid now. I'm afraid to even look around his house because I might see something that will tell me he's lying. He now gets irritated when I ask him anything and insists that everything is fine. I have no question that this man loves me but this just won't go away. I feel I don't trust him. Do I have a legitimate fear or am I possibly blowing the situation out of proportion?

Has Ambiguous Guy

So let me get this "straight":

1. You fuck your boyfriend up the ass with a strap-on.
2. You find a business card for a gay bath house in at his place, and he says that it materialized out of thin air.
3. You find a bookmark to the same gay bath house on his computer. He says that he "accidentally" bookmarked it.
4. You wonder whether or not your boyfriend might possibly perhaps kind of be interested in dudes.

I'm always amazed at the powers of self-deception. I'm beginning to think, HAG, that if you got home from work one afternoon to see your boyfriend getting put on a spit by Elton John and I don't know, James Baldwin, you'd believe him if he explained that they were putting on a play, or that he dropped his contact lense and their dicks just fell into his orifices. The astroglide, he would reason, materialized from atoms in the air and settled, not unlike dew, in his buttcrack.

So yeah, I think he may be lying. Now that you're on the market, go ahead and drop me an e-mail. My details are in my profile.<sup>1

1</sup>If we do get together, HAG, and things do work out, and you ever catch me fucking your sister when you come home from work one afternoon, keep in mind that it will only be because she lost her diaphragm down there and I was trying to fish it out with my dong.