Situation 1-1
A date, as Jerry Seinfeld says, is the only interview in which you could wind up having sex at the end. In a date, as in a regular interview, what you're really doing is checking to see if you're compatible: do you have similar interests? Are you attracted to the person? Is there chemistry? Is she going to wear those earrings all the time? And if so, can she be talked out of wearing them?
So say the first date is progressing nicely: the earrings are fine, and the conversation is interesting and enjoyable. Then, for the first time, you notice that she has a nipple for a nose.
What do you do?
Answer: Fold. You carry out the rest of the date normally, and depending on the circumstances you tell her at the end of the night that you don't think now is a good time for you to get involved with someone, or just don't ever call her again. Why get involved with someone who has a nipple in a place that most people don't? To get laid? Come on.
Action: Actually, you try to pretend it's not there, and decide to go on another date with her later with the hopes of scoring. You keep pretending that you don't notice that her nose gets erect in cold weather, or that she sometimes forgets to pluck the hairs that grow on the outside of the nipple-nose, or that you even thought you saw a hint of lactation drip out of the nipple once. She appears to think things are fine, and you eventually bang her.
Answer: OK, so you didn't break it off. Instead you got greedy and got yourself trapped just for the sake of adding another notch to your belt, you scumbag. If the sex is mindblowing, you might as well try and "milk it" for as long as you can, but if it's average to poor, end it now before she gets too attached and you end up hurting her even worse.
Action: The sex isn't all that good (how could it be? It's a well-known fact that nipple-noses have a very low sex drive.), and she seemed to get a little upset when you tried to give the nose a little pinch when involved in love-making. You're beginning to wonder why you did this in the first place. If you had just stopped seeing her at the start, you wouldn't be racking your brain for ways to get out of the situation. She's beginning to introduce you to her friends, and suggests the two of you check into a bed and breakfast when you go visit her sister, who just had a baby, for the weekend in Vermont.
Answer: Now look at yourself. You're about to go to fucking Vermont, a place you previously swore never to go, to visit this girl's sister, who has an anus for a mouth, and see her damned baby, who urinates from its ears. How much is too much for you? Next thing you know you'll be helping her paint her house. Make something up and end it now, or you'll just make it worse.
Action: Instead, you tell yourself you should suck it up and make the trip. 'I've gone this far,' you tell yourself stupidly. 'Just because she has a nipple for a nose doesn't mean she's a bad person.' You're not happy, but you're not miserable, and you avoid thinking that maybe if you had just stopped it after that unfortunate situation between her and your grandfather (who tried to do the "got your nose!" trick, not knowing that her nipple-nose was particularly sensitive), you could be waist-deep in well-oiled co-eds. After the trip (which you got through only with a combination of muscle relaxers, discreet nips of Jim Beam, and magazines in which the girls only have nipples on their breasts), you tell yourself that you're going to break it off. But when she buys you a really nice vest, you start feeling guilty even though you saw a nicer vest at the store a few weeks prior that you wanted more. In the end, the two of you see each other for a period of eighteen months, and never feel fulfilled, but never feel overwhelmingly awful enough to break it off. She finally breaks up with you because her job transfers her to Seattle, which relieves you greatly.
Lesson: There's a mental chart that we all use during the first few interviews we go on with a prospective mate. Some people use gold stars, others use smiley and frowny faces--the important part is that when someone earns themself a crazy point, a frowny face, or a checkmark in the box marked "Nipple for Nose", you evaluate the importance of that sign, and make the appropriate move. Nobody's perfect, but putting it off or making excuses for someone whose clitoris is on their forehead can only lead you down a path to misery.
So say the first date is progressing nicely: the earrings are fine, and the conversation is interesting and enjoyable. Then, for the first time, you notice that she has a nipple for a nose.
What do you do?
Answer: Fold. You carry out the rest of the date normally, and depending on the circumstances you tell her at the end of the night that you don't think now is a good time for you to get involved with someone, or just don't ever call her again. Why get involved with someone who has a nipple in a place that most people don't? To get laid? Come on.
Action: Actually, you try to pretend it's not there, and decide to go on another date with her later with the hopes of scoring. You keep pretending that you don't notice that her nose gets erect in cold weather, or that she sometimes forgets to pluck the hairs that grow on the outside of the nipple-nose, or that you even thought you saw a hint of lactation drip out of the nipple once. She appears to think things are fine, and you eventually bang her.
Answer: OK, so you didn't break it off. Instead you got greedy and got yourself trapped just for the sake of adding another notch to your belt, you scumbag. If the sex is mindblowing, you might as well try and "milk it" for as long as you can, but if it's average to poor, end it now before she gets too attached and you end up hurting her even worse.
Action: The sex isn't all that good (how could it be? It's a well-known fact that nipple-noses have a very low sex drive.), and she seemed to get a little upset when you tried to give the nose a little pinch when involved in love-making. You're beginning to wonder why you did this in the first place. If you had just stopped seeing her at the start, you wouldn't be racking your brain for ways to get out of the situation. She's beginning to introduce you to her friends, and suggests the two of you check into a bed and breakfast when you go visit her sister, who just had a baby, for the weekend in Vermont.
Answer: Now look at yourself. You're about to go to fucking Vermont, a place you previously swore never to go, to visit this girl's sister, who has an anus for a mouth, and see her damned baby, who urinates from its ears. How much is too much for you? Next thing you know you'll be helping her paint her house. Make something up and end it now, or you'll just make it worse.
Action: Instead, you tell yourself you should suck it up and make the trip. 'I've gone this far,' you tell yourself stupidly. 'Just because she has a nipple for a nose doesn't mean she's a bad person.' You're not happy, but you're not miserable, and you avoid thinking that maybe if you had just stopped it after that unfortunate situation between her and your grandfather (who tried to do the "got your nose!" trick, not knowing that her nipple-nose was particularly sensitive), you could be waist-deep in well-oiled co-eds. After the trip (which you got through only with a combination of muscle relaxers, discreet nips of Jim Beam, and magazines in which the girls only have nipples on their breasts), you tell yourself that you're going to break it off. But when she buys you a really nice vest, you start feeling guilty even though you saw a nicer vest at the store a few weeks prior that you wanted more. In the end, the two of you see each other for a period of eighteen months, and never feel fulfilled, but never feel overwhelmingly awful enough to break it off. She finally breaks up with you because her job transfers her to Seattle, which relieves you greatly.
Lesson: There's a mental chart that we all use during the first few interviews we go on with a prospective mate. Some people use gold stars, others use smiley and frowny faces--the important part is that when someone earns themself a crazy point, a frowny face, or a checkmark in the box marked "Nipple for Nose", you evaluate the importance of that sign, and make the appropriate move. Nobody's perfect, but putting it off or making excuses for someone whose clitoris is on their forehead can only lead you down a path to misery.
posted by Chris Cusack at 9:52 PM
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