Bean Can Hand Man Starts the Jam.

Like a few weeks ago Zane asked to meet me at "El Taco Puto", his favorite taco place.

So we sit down and he's like, "I'd like to get you in on the ground floor of this new business opportunity," and I was like, "Bullshit, that sounds like a pyramid scheme."

He was all, "No, let me explain," so I let him. It was a freaking pyramid scheme, and when I called him on it, he got all quiet.

So we finish our food, he's still quiet and I'm bored so I'm like, "peace out," you know.

He's like "Wait..." and he gets really serious and goes, "Haven't you ever wondered why I always wear a glove on my left hand?"

I hadn't, actually. Oh, right, so I forgot to tell you: For as long as I've known him, Zane has worn this sparkly Michael Jackson 1983 glove on his left hand. I myself wore a monocle for a few weeks in college, so I just sorta figured it was the same kinda thing. People with low self-esteems like to do shit like that, monocles, sparkly gloves, funky haircuts, pretty much anything to serve as a conversation starter.

So, he says, "I have to show you something," and I'm like, getting up to leave, you know! Like, "What the shit kinda homo thing is this!"

But so he takes his glove off, and where his hand should be, it's a fucking can of beans!! I'm all yelling, "FUCKING BEAN CAN!" and he's like "Shhh! Shut up!" cause some of the 'waitresses' turned around. Have you ever been to El Taco Puto? They have like three transvestite waitresses!

He puts the glove back on, and I'm just kinda sitting there, he's just sitting there.

So finally he says, "I met a girl I really like."

I shoulda been more excited for him, because Zane hasn't dated anyone in three years, and the last chick ("Melissa") he dated only lasted like a month or so. But I was still freaked from the bean can thing, so I was like, "Hunh, that's cool."

He says, "Did I ever tell you why me and Melissa broke up?" And I'm thinking to myself, "Cause she was a dumb bitch?" but I didn't say that.

He goes, "One night we were making out in her bed, and I got my right hand under her nightshirt, and she didn't have a bra and so I started tweaking her nipple."

I'm thinking, "Aw shit," cause I actually don't like these kinda stories, I think it's kinda homo to be all, "Yeah, yeah, tell me about it! Hnn Hhnnn!" But I didn't say anything this time, cause of the bean can.

So he keeps on, "Well, then she's like, 'The other one too!' and so I switch, and she says 'No both!' like, simultaniously. So, I did like a 'hang-loose' sign with my thumb and pinky and stretched my hand as far as I could to try to rub both at the same time. She kinda looks at me for a second like I'm retarded. Well... I just had this kinda flashback of all these images from my childhood: a bow and arrow, the monkey bars, Nintendo controllers. And was like, 'Shit! One MORE thing I can't do!!!' I freaked out and pretty much just left, and I never called her again."

I was fucking cracking up cause of the hang-loose thing, next time I see him I'm gonna be like, "Hey Zane, Surf's up duuude!" Hahahaah, shit.

I think I made him feel bad though, so I was like, "Well, it could be worse... You could have two bean cans."

He rolled his eyes, "That doesn't even sound possible."

You know, I was trying to think of shit to say to cheer this guy up, like "Well, you could write a book about it," and "Some people have built whole careers off less." But it wasn't helping.

Basically he was saying, "You know, people are usually cool about the can thing once they get used to it, but it's that initial freak out, it kills me. And it's not like being diabetic or whatever, that you can sort of hide it until she gets to know you better. It's pretty obvious and so everytime I'm forced show it to a girl it's like I'm showing it to a stranger, cause at that point in the relationship she is pretty much a stranger. My whole life it's been like this, I really think it's even affected my personality, you know: I'm more cautious and less trusting than I think I would have been if I had two hands. I just think it's bullshit that something external like this should affect me at such a basic level."

I pretended like I was smoking a joint, "That's deep, maaan!" but I felt bad about it, I mean, I don't have a can-hand so it was probably pretty shitty of me to make light of that.

So I said, "Look bro, just think of it like this: If a girl is going to be THAT upset about it that she's not going to see you again she was probably a dumb bitch anyway, so screw it. You know... I bet what you REALLY want is to be able to hook up with chicks that you don't even know, so, you know, who's judging who on appearences? And also maybe that's why you have that can. Like it's Gods way of helping you limit yourself so you don't get AIDS or crotch-rot or whatever."

He kinda chucked a little bit and was like, "Yeah," but I still felt bad for him. I mean, I wouldn't date a chick with a can for a hand, heeeell no.

But I'm kinda shallow, so there ya go.