That Ain't Working, (Yet) That's the Way Ya Do It.

Holy CRAP! Well true believers, the inbox here at the Do Land Grand Palace of Luv has been overflowing with mail lately, and since Zane has joined a monastery to complete his training for the National Grammar Rodeo, and Cib doesn't have his Luv Doctor malpractice insurance yet, I will take it upon myself to answer a few letters.

Heeeere we go!

Dear Do Poon Posse,

I have this cat, or, rather, I had this cat. It was aloof, sure, and often would scratch me, but I figured aloof scratchy kitty is better than no kitty at all, right? Well, anyway, now it's not so much aloof as it is dead. It's been laying in my living room for a week, and as much as I try to ignore it, it's really beginning to stink. What should I do?

Love,
Decroded in Detroit.

Well, Decroded, I think I see your problem: You are refusing to deal with the obvious. What are you pretending not to know? Throw that dead cat out. Garbage collection is on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Use vinegar to remove odors. Delete all the dead cat's emails to you. Throw away all her photos. Easy peasy, Japanesey.

Next!

Dear Fellaz,

I am very cryptic and incomplete in my thoughts, even to myself. I usually don't know what the hell I am thinking, though I am pretty good at making crap up and pretending like it's true. Recently, I broke up with a really good guy to move to Helsinki, and now I send him text messages very late at night, often when I am drunk, I think.

What's my problem?!

Funky in Finland.

You, Funky, are obviously a teenager. Having once been a teen myself, I can help.

First: Your problem seems spiritual as much as it does emotional. You should seek help.

Second: You should attempt to be more clear in your communications to this young man. Use email, and only include relevant subject matter. A few guidelines to help you out:

Relevant: How you feel about what you did. How you feel now. What you intend to do about it. When you intend to do it. Profuse apologies.

Irrelevant: Funny links. Jokes. Reports on your new hair style. Queries as to whether he has seen great new Harry Potter movie. News of your alcoholic and slutty best friend, and how you are totally unlike her, all evidence to the contrary.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But Joey! Honestly, the fuzziness of my general thought process leaves me very little to say! I find the extremely truncated nature of cell phone text messages fits my emaciated mental frame like, totally hand-in-glove! Frown!"

Let me clue you in on the "word on the street" among us grown-ass folk: Text messages is the bullshit kid stuff.

Hope that helps!

All the luv in the freaking world,

Joey.