Unstoppable New Penis-Lengthening Technique
Have you ever wanted to lengthen your penis?
Have you ever wanted to have an enormous horsecock?
Did you, as a child, shower in your underwear for fear of the older boys seeing your impossibly tiny penis?
Have you ever felt like it wouldn't be fair to produce male offspring because your tiny penis will never, ever bring pleasure to a woman, and you wouldn't want any other man, especially your son, to go through that kind of torture?
If you answered "Yes, yes, oh God yes!" to any of these questions, or simply looked around nervously while realizing these questions relate to you, now there is a solution.
Throw away your penis pumps. Throw away your pills. Throw away your oils, lubes, and magic books. This solution is one-hundred-percent guaranteed to ensure a massive penis for your future generations.
It's really quite simple! There are five easy steps:
1. Find a woman and make love to her without the use of a prophylactic.
2. Repeat step one as many times as is humanly possible.
3. After about fifteen years, go back and check on all of the children that you brought into the world.
a. If it's a girl, there's no need to continue to pursue questioning. Move on to the next one.
b. If it's a boy, there are two questions you need to ask:
i. "You're not gay, are you?"
a. If he is gay, I'm sorry, but you must kill him, as he won't be of any use in propogating your future race of enormously-endowed supermen.
ii. "Let me see your penis."
4. If the boy's penis is small, I'm sorry, but you must kill him for the good of your army of well-hung offspring.
5. Leave a note in your will that orders to executor of your estate to contact each of these Holmesian hunks, and ask that they follow the above five steps exactly as you did.
If each of these sizeable studs follows the instruction, eventually you'll breed a race of men that will have an enormous johnson as part of their genetic makeup!
Some people ask if this is too much work to take on simply to ensure that you leave behind a legacy of lengthily-logged lads. It seems like a reasonable concern--but the truth is, if stretched out over the span of your lifetime, it only takes three minutes per day, twice a week to take on the task!
Others worry, "Isn't it morally wrong to kill your own offspring or other innocent people for that matter?"
Well, of course! But that depends on how you define "innocent," and "offspring." Some people say that the innocent are those who are guiltless, or have committed no crime. We say that guilt is defined by the size of your penis. As for how we use the word "offspring?" If you've got a cock that is under eleven inches, then as the famous musician Phil Collins once wrote, "you're no son, you're no son, you're no son of mine!"
But these are just the basics. For more information, or to order our now world-famous guidebook, How to Create a Race of Unstoppable Superschlongs to Carry on Your Legacy, please visit us at our website, http://www.unstoppabledarwinianhorsepenis.info or call 1-800-DARWINP.
Find tips on:
- Methods of "doing away with" the diminutively-endowed!
- Hiding the evidence!
- Functional uses for your huge member! (Garden hose, armwrestling an elephant's trunk, picking up golfballs, roping steer)
- Tips on meeting women! (Tip #38: Hang out at adoption centers and abortion clinics--you're bound to find women there who give it up!)
- Countries who endorse your new lifestyle! (Iran, Syria, Iraq (for a limited time))
Have you ever wanted to have an enormous horsecock?
Did you, as a child, shower in your underwear for fear of the older boys seeing your impossibly tiny penis?
Have you ever felt like it wouldn't be fair to produce male offspring because your tiny penis will never, ever bring pleasure to a woman, and you wouldn't want any other man, especially your son, to go through that kind of torture?
If you answered "Yes, yes, oh God yes!" to any of these questions, or simply looked around nervously while realizing these questions relate to you, now there is a solution.
Throw away your penis pumps. Throw away your pills. Throw away your oils, lubes, and magic books. This solution is one-hundred-percent guaranteed to ensure a massive penis for your future generations.
It's really quite simple! There are five easy steps:
1. Find a woman and make love to her without the use of a prophylactic.
2. Repeat step one as many times as is humanly possible.
3. After about fifteen years, go back and check on all of the children that you brought into the world.
a. If it's a girl, there's no need to continue to pursue questioning. Move on to the next one.
b. If it's a boy, there are two questions you need to ask:
i. "You're not gay, are you?"
a. If he is gay, I'm sorry, but you must kill him, as he won't be of any use in propogating your future race of enormously-endowed supermen.
ii. "Let me see your penis."
4. If the boy's penis is small, I'm sorry, but you must kill him for the good of your army of well-hung offspring.
5. Leave a note in your will that orders to executor of your estate to contact each of these Holmesian hunks, and ask that they follow the above five steps exactly as you did.
If each of these sizeable studs follows the instruction, eventually you'll breed a race of men that will have an enormous johnson as part of their genetic makeup!
Some people ask if this is too much work to take on simply to ensure that you leave behind a legacy of lengthily-logged lads. It seems like a reasonable concern--but the truth is, if stretched out over the span of your lifetime, it only takes three minutes per day, twice a week to take on the task!
Others worry, "Isn't it morally wrong to kill your own offspring or other innocent people for that matter?"
Well, of course! But that depends on how you define "innocent," and "offspring." Some people say that the innocent are those who are guiltless, or have committed no crime. We say that guilt is defined by the size of your penis. As for how we use the word "offspring?" If you've got a cock that is under eleven inches, then as the famous musician Phil Collins once wrote, "you're no son, you're no son, you're no son of mine!"
But these are just the basics. For more information, or to order our now world-famous guidebook, How to Create a Race of Unstoppable Superschlongs to Carry on Your Legacy, please visit us at our website, http://www.unstoppabledarwinianhorsepenis.info or call 1-800-DARWINP.
Find tips on:
- Methods of "doing away with" the diminutively-endowed!
- Hiding the evidence!
- Functional uses for your huge member! (Garden hose, armwrestling an elephant's trunk, picking up golfballs, roping steer)
- Tips on meeting women! (Tip #38: Hang out at adoption centers and abortion clinics--you're bound to find women there who give it up!)
- Countries who endorse your new lifestyle! (Iran, Syria, Iraq (for a limited time))
posted by Chris Cusack at 1:06 AM
1 Comments:
An interesting question brought up by this post: Is Zane making a wry commentary on the banality of eugenics and of human-planned "progress" in general? Or does he just really really like dick jokes?
By the way, you neglected to use the phrase "das Überschnitzel."
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