Free Advice Friday
We've been getting flooded with e-mails lately asking us (among other things) "Hey Ben and Chris, when are you going to start answering all those solicitations for advice that you get? I mean, your blog is pretty much the best thing for relationships since casual sex, so how 'bout it? Bring on the advice!"
Well, mob of people demanding sex and relationship advice, today I'm here to answer your pleas, and your questions.
"Sophie" from Grand Rapids, MI writes:
Dear Welcome to Do Land,
I am very beautiful and enjoy listening to well-crafted but often-overlooked pop music. I am twenty-three years old, 5'8" and weigh 125 lbs. My breasts are well-sized, but very perky, without the slightest sign of droopage or stretch marks. Many people say my breasts are my best asset, but others disagree, saying that my best feature is my ability to understand ironic humor, my taste in pop culture, and my willingness to be taught bold and innovative sexual techniques by a man who makes them up on the spot. Personally, I think they're both wrong--I think it's my ass. I prefer sex six to seven times per week, mainly because I'm so responsive and multi-orgasmic. In fact, I often inadvertently blurt out three or four orgasms when I sneeze or go go-kart riding.
My problem is that I can't seem to find a man that is interested in me. I've searched everywhere, the library, record stores, universities--with no luck. Luckily, I discovered Welcome to Do Land, and found two men who seem to be quite possibly the funniest and most intelligent men on earth. With no offense to Ben, who seems very nice but doesn't post as nearly often as he should, Chris is clearly the pick of the litter. Besides, Ben strikes me as something of a totalitarian Nazi (but I'm not here to quibble). Chris, is there anything you can do about rocking my body on and on to the break-a break-a dawn? Please note that I love Jonathan Richman and The Modern Lovers.
Thanks,
Sophie
Well "Sophie", we here at Welcome to Do Land do enjoy fan mail, and frankly, this isn't the first letter of this kind we've received. Although I'm flattered, unfortunately my response must be the same as it was to the bored housewife from Duluth, MN with a fetish for hot oils, Thinking Fellers Union Local #282, and younger men. That response is, of course, that I don't date or sleep with overweight women (or BBW, as your kind are often called). I was impressed (and a little surprised) that you included your weight with your letter, but I appreciate your honesty in bringing that important fact up at the beginning, and didn't leave it up to my discerning eye upon meeting you in person. To address your problem, I have a couple of suggestions: First, lose a little weight! Jump on a treadmill, alter your diet, get a personal trainer, whatever! I think you'll find more men pursuing you after you shed those unsightly pounds. If this suggestion proves too difficult (you're "too busy" to go to a gym, too "set in your ways" to alter your food intake), I would suggest joining an online personals site that caters to overweight women such as yourself--www.bbwfinder.com is just one example. Good luck!
Our second selected letter is from "James" from Ontario, Canada. Normally we don't accept letters from Canucks, but I think this letter is unique because it's especially representative of a lot of notes we get from readers from around the world
"James" writes:
Hi guys,
I'm stuck with kind of a moral dilemma here, and I was hoping you could help me out. I've been friends with my friend Eric since we were twelve (we're both twenty-seven now), and he recently told me that he's gay. After hearing the news, he explained how he's been tortured with a lifetime of pain because he's been afraid to tell his family and friends. I of course told him that we couldn't be friends anymore, and told him to get the hell out of my house and take all his Cher-listening-to belongings with him.
That was two weeks ago and I'm plagued with a question of regret. Should I have beat him up, too? I can't help but think that I missed out on what could have been well-deserved justice. Any advice you could give on this would be great. I mean, I guess I could go over to his place to beat him up if I need to, but I don't want him thinking that I'm going to do him in the pooper afterwards, you know?
Yes James, I know. First off, I'd like to ask about your sexual orientation. You sat there and listened to him tell his life story? What are you, some kind of homo?
You gained some points back when you ejected him from your straight (?) home, and you were right to come to me for advice. There are a couple of preferred methods for handling this scenario James, and yours is only one of them. Specifically, the lamer one. Had I been in your shoes, his head would probably be mounted on my wall, and his skin lying on the floor in front of my fireplace. I find that a gayskin rug makes quite a comfortable bed for my dog, as well as a good conversation starter when company is over!
If you have a question or need that you'd like addressed by the Welcome to Do Land columnists, please e-mail them directly through their profiles.
Well, mob of people demanding sex and relationship advice, today I'm here to answer your pleas, and your questions.
"Sophie" from Grand Rapids, MI writes:
Dear Welcome to Do Land,
I am very beautiful and enjoy listening to well-crafted but often-overlooked pop music. I am twenty-three years old, 5'8" and weigh 125 lbs. My breasts are well-sized, but very perky, without the slightest sign of droopage or stretch marks. Many people say my breasts are my best asset, but others disagree, saying that my best feature is my ability to understand ironic humor, my taste in pop culture, and my willingness to be taught bold and innovative sexual techniques by a man who makes them up on the spot. Personally, I think they're both wrong--I think it's my ass. I prefer sex six to seven times per week, mainly because I'm so responsive and multi-orgasmic. In fact, I often inadvertently blurt out three or four orgasms when I sneeze or go go-kart riding.
My problem is that I can't seem to find a man that is interested in me. I've searched everywhere, the library, record stores, universities--with no luck. Luckily, I discovered Welcome to Do Land, and found two men who seem to be quite possibly the funniest and most intelligent men on earth. With no offense to Ben, who seems very nice but doesn't post as nearly often as he should, Chris is clearly the pick of the litter. Besides, Ben strikes me as something of a totalitarian Nazi (but I'm not here to quibble). Chris, is there anything you can do about rocking my body on and on to the break-a break-a dawn? Please note that I love Jonathan Richman and The Modern Lovers.
Thanks,
Sophie
Well "Sophie", we here at Welcome to Do Land do enjoy fan mail, and frankly, this isn't the first letter of this kind we've received. Although I'm flattered, unfortunately my response must be the same as it was to the bored housewife from Duluth, MN with a fetish for hot oils, Thinking Fellers Union Local #282, and younger men. That response is, of course, that I don't date or sleep with overweight women (or BBW, as your kind are often called). I was impressed (and a little surprised) that you included your weight with your letter, but I appreciate your honesty in bringing that important fact up at the beginning, and didn't leave it up to my discerning eye upon meeting you in person. To address your problem, I have a couple of suggestions: First, lose a little weight! Jump on a treadmill, alter your diet, get a personal trainer, whatever! I think you'll find more men pursuing you after you shed those unsightly pounds. If this suggestion proves too difficult (you're "too busy" to go to a gym, too "set in your ways" to alter your food intake), I would suggest joining an online personals site that caters to overweight women such as yourself--www.bbwfinder.com is just one example. Good luck!
Our second selected letter is from "James" from Ontario, Canada. Normally we don't accept letters from Canucks, but I think this letter is unique because it's especially representative of a lot of notes we get from readers from around the world
"James" writes:
Hi guys,
I'm stuck with kind of a moral dilemma here, and I was hoping you could help me out. I've been friends with my friend Eric since we were twelve (we're both twenty-seven now), and he recently told me that he's gay. After hearing the news, he explained how he's been tortured with a lifetime of pain because he's been afraid to tell his family and friends. I of course told him that we couldn't be friends anymore, and told him to get the hell out of my house and take all his Cher-listening-to belongings with him.
That was two weeks ago and I'm plagued with a question of regret. Should I have beat him up, too? I can't help but think that I missed out on what could have been well-deserved justice. Any advice you could give on this would be great. I mean, I guess I could go over to his place to beat him up if I need to, but I don't want him thinking that I'm going to do him in the pooper afterwards, you know?
Yes James, I know. First off, I'd like to ask about your sexual orientation. You sat there and listened to him tell his life story? What are you, some kind of homo?
You gained some points back when you ejected him from your straight (?) home, and you were right to come to me for advice. There are a couple of preferred methods for handling this scenario James, and yours is only one of them. Specifically, the lamer one. Had I been in your shoes, his head would probably be mounted on my wall, and his skin lying on the floor in front of my fireplace. I find that a gayskin rug makes quite a comfortable bed for my dog, as well as a good conversation starter when company is over!
If you have a question or need that you'd like addressed by the Welcome to Do Land columnists, please e-mail them directly through their profiles.
posted by Chris Cusack at 9:24 PM
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