Left, Left, Left Right Left.

If you are a reader of Psychology Today or any of the serious psychologician magazines, you are aware that there is a difference between "psychologist" and "psychatrist", but probably have them mixed up.

You probably also have mixed-up the difference between the Left hemisphere of the brain and the Right. The Left is in charge of being cool and analytical, the Right is in charge of what the French call el rómancè.



As an illustration of this difference I offer this transcript of an actual conversation between my own hemispheres that took place earlier this week.

R: "Hey! Hey!!! Guess what! HEY!"

L: "Fuh! I'm reading!

R: "Ok fine I won't tell you."

L: "No, look, ok, I'm sorry. Now what was it you wanted to tell me?"

R: "I MET A GIRL!"

L: "Wh.. Yeah, I know, I was there. Symmetrical features, highly attractive, compatible height, intelligent. I faxed you my tentative-approval form, didn't you get it?"

R: "Uh, dunno, I don't have time to check that stupid in-box, it's like a prison for my spirit. My spirit needs room to breathe!"

L: "What in.. Get over yourself!!"

R: "Well, is it our selves we must get over, or is it our selves that get over us? Or, wait.. Uh... Anyway, listen: She is the most greatest person I've met in a long long long time!!"

L: "You think? What about that one girl we met last week? Wide birthing hips, calm disposition, Catholic, good family. You didn't like her?"

R: "Well.. I mean.. she was pretty and all, but... I dunno.. There was just, no.. click, you know?"

L: "No, I don't know. Look, I think you're getting rather excited about this situation. We don't even know this girl, all that we have to go on is that she said she was a computer programmer but that she really wants to be a writer. She's probably not Catholic, which I think you will feel is a problem when you get in one of your more 'religious' moods, and I'm tired of trying to convert people for your sake. What does she want for the future? What are her basic values? Does she have some kinda weirdo emotional problems? What are her feelings on any range of topics which probably weren't brought up on the dancefloor? She might be a Doors fan for crying out loud!! Furthermore, we were at a club, and even I have enough style-sense to recognize that meeting people at a club is sorta tacky."

R: "But you forget: the click!"

L: "Well, if by 'click' you mean that our olfactory organs and reproductive systems detected some chemo-genetic compatibility, then yes, I suppose I will take that into consideration."

R: "No, by click I mean... I mean, like, well, when she was standing there talking with me, and I put my arm around her... she leaned into me just a tiny bit, and I felt, almost heard this 'click' like you hear from well-crafted products made in formerly Fascist countries, except perhaps Italy. It was so exact, and graceful. It felt, just for a moment, like we were connected, and I know she felt it too, because she looked up at me with this faint expression of surprise and happiness. It was so nice, and easy. It's not something I've felt often, in fact, maybe only a few times in my whole life."

L: "Well, that's really nice, I'm sure, but where are those previous 'click' chicks now? Not here. It seems like you don't really consider things beyond the moment. There's alot more to knowing someone than some 'click'. And are you taking into consideration the fact that we were at a club? And that you and she were both inebriated?"

R: "I think you over-analyze things, none of your previous 'good-on-paper' girls are around either. And look, I know what you mean about the being drunk, 'beer-goggles' or whatever, but, I mean, I really wasn't that drunk and also, I have never fallen victim to beer-goggles anyway."

L: "Well, I'll give you that. But you know, my records of that night are a little sparse, I really don't know what exactly was happening psycho-emotionally. I did however read your embarrassing email to her! Haha, the same night! Don't you know 'industry standard' is three days? I bet you were even singing 'Everytime I See You Falling' while you were typing! Did you sing the 'robo-voice' part? Eh? What a homo! HAHAHAHAHA!!"

R: "Wh... wait.. I thought.. I thought YOU wrote that email!"

L: "No I didn't! You're the one always talking about 'rules schmooles'. I just assumed that in a typical flight of emotionality you took it upon yourself to write that turgid bit of 'cleverness' only a few hours after you had met this girl, in flagrant violation of the expirimentally verified rules I have drawn up for our protection! It's three days, ok, three days!!"

R: "Well then.. who..."

P: "YEE-HAWAAHH! I AM SEND EMAIL!! I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!! Ya-HA! Ya-HA-ya-HAHA!!! LOL!!!!1 YESSSS! I AM EVERYTIME GET THAT BOOTY!!! GET IT! GET!!! GET!!!"

L: "We must stop him!! He will destroy everything we hold most sacred!"

R: "I'll create a psychosomatic depression, you read a book about the Soviet gulag system, quick!"

L: "I'm on it!"