One Thing I Hate About You
On a list of "Things I Hate", a friend of mine listed "Pear-shaped people".
Inevitably, most people who saw or heard of this list thought it was mean.
"How can you hate people for the way they look?" they asked.
"They just annoy me," he said.
I definitely don't hate overweight people, whether they're pear-shaped, eggplant-shaped, or pumpkin-shaped. I will say though that it's the first mental box that must be checked off when I meet a new girl.
The second mental box is general attractiveness. Once the fat box is checked, we go on to hair, teeth, physical anomalies, skin, and feet. If all these are at least in the appropriate order, then we move on to the other qualities.
Call me shallow, call me a cad--but these two boxes are first for a reason. It's part of human nature to desire a satisfactory physical appearance in your mate. You know that old stereotype, "Nobody wants to date an ugly person"? And that other stereotype, "Everyone will make fun of you, and with good reason, if you date an ugly person"? Well, it turns out that those have been introduced into our popular culture because they're valuable truisms that should be heeded.
It sounds really kind and open-minded to say that physical appearance doesn't matter to you, but who are you kidding? The only people I know who say that are hippies. God-damn hippies. And we know that a hippie's number one priority is fooling himself (or herself!) into thinking that their idealized dreams are a reality.
Other truisms are that you can't judge a book by its cover, and that beauty is only skin deep. First of all, who lives their life by phrases that were hackneyed and overused when my grandmother was growing up? Second, even if these are true, it still doesn't stop the importance of looks from being at the top of everyone's list.
Think of it as a primary round of interviews for a job. Who wants that smelly woman with the hairlip and the bad attitude making coffee and faxing things for everyone? Not me, she'll probably stink up my quarterly reports. Sure, maybe she's a filing genius, but who really cares if the simple truth is that when a button in her navy blue rayon blouse comes open, a fatty patch of moles and skin tags is revealed? Gross. Give me the polite conversationalist who breaks a coffee cup or two but is at least two-thirds easier on the eyes. She doesn't even have to be top ten percent, but she does have to at least make me want to see her naked. If I'm going to date her, I mean.
The biggest problem in having checked off the first two boxes of the "dateable girl" checklist is that, as I mentioned above, you can't judge a book by its cover. What if she's dumb? What if she's mean? What if she's a cheater? What if she's insane? These are all deal-breakers in my book. But guess what? An ugly girl is at least if not more likely to have these traits, due to a lifetime of rejection and taunting by crueler members of our species. If she's hot we've at least established that she may be worth getting involved in some crazy-girl/emotional trauma antics.
It's really just a matter of preference--I know some people like the girls on my friend's "Things I Hate" list. That's fine with me. In fact, I think it's great. It means there's more of the girls who are actually good-looking left for me to choose from.
Inevitably, most people who saw or heard of this list thought it was mean.
"How can you hate people for the way they look?" they asked.
"They just annoy me," he said.
I definitely don't hate overweight people, whether they're pear-shaped, eggplant-shaped, or pumpkin-shaped. I will say though that it's the first mental box that must be checked off when I meet a new girl.
The second mental box is general attractiveness. Once the fat box is checked, we go on to hair, teeth, physical anomalies, skin, and feet. If all these are at least in the appropriate order, then we move on to the other qualities.
Call me shallow, call me a cad--but these two boxes are first for a reason. It's part of human nature to desire a satisfactory physical appearance in your mate. You know that old stereotype, "Nobody wants to date an ugly person"? And that other stereotype, "Everyone will make fun of you, and with good reason, if you date an ugly person"? Well, it turns out that those have been introduced into our popular culture because they're valuable truisms that should be heeded.
It sounds really kind and open-minded to say that physical appearance doesn't matter to you, but who are you kidding? The only people I know who say that are hippies. God-damn hippies. And we know that a hippie's number one priority is fooling himself (or herself!) into thinking that their idealized dreams are a reality.
Other truisms are that you can't judge a book by its cover, and that beauty is only skin deep. First of all, who lives their life by phrases that were hackneyed and overused when my grandmother was growing up? Second, even if these are true, it still doesn't stop the importance of looks from being at the top of everyone's list.
Think of it as a primary round of interviews for a job. Who wants that smelly woman with the hairlip and the bad attitude making coffee and faxing things for everyone? Not me, she'll probably stink up my quarterly reports. Sure, maybe she's a filing genius, but who really cares if the simple truth is that when a button in her navy blue rayon blouse comes open, a fatty patch of moles and skin tags is revealed? Gross. Give me the polite conversationalist who breaks a coffee cup or two but is at least two-thirds easier on the eyes. She doesn't even have to be top ten percent, but she does have to at least make me want to see her naked. If I'm going to date her, I mean.
The biggest problem in having checked off the first two boxes of the "dateable girl" checklist is that, as I mentioned above, you can't judge a book by its cover. What if she's dumb? What if she's mean? What if she's a cheater? What if she's insane? These are all deal-breakers in my book. But guess what? An ugly girl is at least if not more likely to have these traits, due to a lifetime of rejection and taunting by crueler members of our species. If she's hot we've at least established that she may be worth getting involved in some crazy-girl/emotional trauma antics.
It's really just a matter of preference--I know some people like the girls on my friend's "Things I Hate" list. That's fine with me. In fact, I think it's great. It means there's more of the girls who are actually good-looking left for me to choose from.
posted by Chris Cusack at 2:28 PM
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