Lotus Blossom My White Ass.

For those of you in the peanut galleries who don't know me, I am sorta known for not dating any white girls ever, or any other race for that matter.

Except Asians. (In both their Eastern and Southern varietals).

"Awww yeah! Aww, yellow fever, yeah yeah booooyyyy!" you grunt as you try to give me a high five. I grab your wrist as would I grab your neck were public throttling not illegal, and I throttle it, publicly, until your fingers turn purple.

"What gives with the attempted murder of my hand, bro?" you ask.

And I tell, beginning by insulting you:

You stupid son of a bitch.

Asiaphilia isn't a joke or a reason for a high five: It's a disease and a reason for a slap to the nose.

"A disease? And can I slap your nose?"

Yes a disease, and no. Who wants to be so limited in their choice of dating partners? As an asiaphile headcase, one who hasn't dated non-Asians in eight years, I can tell you that I don't simply prefer Asian women, I require them.

"Require?"

Well, not really require, in the strict sense of the term. I should say "so strongly prefer as to make the thought of NOT dating one seem impossible." What's the word for that? Pigeon-holed? I feel strange trying to romantically chat with non-Asians, after nearly a decade my whole style is calibrated for them. Or, maybe "addicted to" is the term I am looking for. So, then, I feel that this addiction to Asian women is ludicrous.

"Ludicrous?"

Yes. Because there isn't anything particularly different about dating Asian women, so far as what I can tell from what my white-dating friends tell me. (Though I do hear that white womens' vaginas are upside-down!) There is no valid and objective reason to prefer Asian women, except that they tend not to blow up into waddling cows after having kids.

"But what about the back rubs?"

Yeah, the oooold "Lotus Blossom" thing. That's not really true. Or, I should say, it is not so significantly true that it merits being a commonly held stereotype. The "submissiveness" of Asian women is very superficial at best. I have found them to be significantly more stubborn than most other types of girls. Though this stubbornness might be true of all girls. My dating experience with "other types of girls": Very Limited.

"But what about the freaky freaky in the bed?"

Again, not significantly true. Sorta true, sorta more true than what you would expect, statistically speaking, but not super more true than the baseline freakyness to be found in all races. Furthermore, freakyness isn't really a top-of-the-list priority for me. It's nice, but far more important is honesty, loyalty, friendship, all that gay stuff.

"What's the point then?"

Well, I guess I've always felt like an outsider, mostly because of me being a nerd. Plus, I'm not tall or strong, and I came from a small town where "able to be loved" and "played highschool football" were roughly interchangeable. Also, I have this problem where I have really high standards of beauty, but all the hot white and latina girls at my highschool were off limits to me, nerdy me, a swimmer. I began associating the types of girls to be found at my highschool (white, latina) with rejection.

"What about black girls?"

There weren't many of them, and to be honest, at the time they terrified me. The ones in my hometown seemed to come from another planet culturally. Small-town race politics: kinda tricky.

"And there weren't any Asians there?"

There was one. She was zitty and mean. It wasn't until I got to college that I had any real experience with Asian people at all. I didn't have any prior negative associations, or any associations at all, that were affecting my attitude towards them. And they seemed to like me, my "game" seemed to be appealing to them. They were more likely to be outsidery like me.

"Wait, there's TONS of outsider-type white girls, I had anal sex with one last week! She had tattoos of goldfish on her shoulder."

Well, see that's kinda the thing: Divorce. Most outsider white kids have tattoos and piercings, and by that I mean that their parents are divorced or otherwise crappy. My parents are together and very happy, and my family in general is more-or-less well adjusted. Happy family is a big deal for me. Where else can you find together families and outsideryness?

"Asian chicks?"

Exactly, Asian chicks.

"And Indian chicks?"

Yes, Indian chicks.

"Plus the freaky freaky in the bed?"

Absolutely, plus the freaky.. or, uh, I mean, no!