Too High to Get Over, Yeah Yeah.

I wanted to kill my stupid brain.



It was the Summer of 2003. I had just ended a long relationship. It was a really unhealthy relationship, with lots of verbal back-and-forth and even some rough stuff.

I was just getting to the point where I was feeling ok.

But then, for some reason, I began having dreams of the old flame, good dreams, those really happy dreams that leave you depressed and lonely upon waking up.

I began reminiscing all the time about the old flame... but only the good things were coming up...

My Brain had been actively working against me, re-editing all my old memory files!

Take, for instance this entry, stamped 9.48pm11OCT2002:

I don't even know if I love her. We have so little in common, her hatefulness and anger towards her family is taken out on me in the worst situations. It's not much fun. She is so beautiful, but beauty on an angry girl is like a ring on a pigs nose. She is a good person deep down, but this is destroyed by her attitude, her mood swings, and for a lot of reasons. She has been acting strange, something smells fishy, I wonder if she's cheating on me. Wouldn't that just be wonderful. I hope this torture ends soon, but it just goes on and on. With her I wish I could feel peace. Things are looking like we might just need to go ahead and break up!

It's like reading through the CIA files on Nicaragua!

So I called up my brain to see what the hell was going on up there:

(phone ringing)
Brain: "..pfftthahahaa. And then that one part where he feeds the horse all that beef jerky ahahahah!"
Me: "Hello?... Hey, Hello?"
B: "..unnhhahaha.. (laughing in background) oh, wait shh! shh! Hello, pfft, Brain speaking."
M: "Hey, this is Ben. What the hell is going on up there?"
B: "I... I mean, nothing boss, just, you know, analyzing, sorting, pattern-recognition, same as ever! Kkkfftfft! (more laughter in background) Shh!"
M: "Who the hell is over there? Do you have others in my control room?!!"
B: "No one is (laughter) here! Just me, I would never let anyone else in the control room! (laughter)"
M: "Are you... are you high?"
B: "I resent that um... dammit, whatchamacallit... I don't agree with you!"
M: "Stay right there, I'm coming over. You're screwed this time, Brain, you're screwed!"

When I tried to open the door to the control room, I found it wedged almost totally shut by piles of Playboys and what looked like the first-drafts of an incredibly long love letter. Brain was laying in a puddle of bong water on the floor.

The back door to the stairs was open, I could smell the pheremones wafting up from the lower floors. He had been here.

Most disturbingly I found this:

PLANS FOR REACQUISITION OF FORMER FLAME: Perhaps I could call her and use this analogy: "Our love is like a bank account, and, when you say mean things to me, it's like a withdrawal. We need to start making love deposits, not love withdrawals. Furthermore, please sleep with me again, I deserve it."

What? What was this garbage?

I helped Brain get cleaned up: I threw out all the mags, tore up all the "plans", and nailed shut the back door. I didn't want that guy coming around again. He was nothing but bad news, and was more or less the main cause of Brain's troubles.

"Brain," I said, "You're a good kid, I know you mean well, but you've been hanging around with 'Big P' a bit too much, and he's got you all confused. Be real man, the old flame was bad for us, she wasn't a good time investment and you know it. Look, we had two years to come up with all the analogies in the world.

We've pretty much had the time to speak our mind, and if nothing we said in that time had any effect... well, calling her again, to say that one last perfect analogy about how our love is like a savings account or some shit? What will that do?"

To help Brain remember this I made a little cardboard sign, that simply says,

WHAT WILL THAT DO?

Worked for my Brain. It will work for yours.