"How to Get Out of it Without a Bunch of Bullshit" AND "Caveats, etc."
Last time, I mentioned one of the three known exceptions to the male/female friendship, which was "If gay is the way for at least one person in play, then the relationship will be OK." There are a few other caveats that can provide for a successful inter-sexed friendship:
2. If the people are overwhelmingly unattracted to each other. (Most likely scenario: guy is unattracted to the girl.)
3. If at least one of the members of the friendship are in a relationship that they value way more than a sexual/romantic relationship with the "friend". (Most likely scenario: guy is in a relationship that he values way more than a sexual/romantic relationship with the "friend".)1
4. There is no number four. If you think that you have a male/female friendship outside of these exceptions, you're either the most mature person on earth, or you're wrong, and he wants to sleep with you.
I'd like to take a quick tangent to define friendship. I think it's fair to say that people use the word "friend" fairly liberally. That guy that let you copy his notes from economics class? Not necessarily your friend. Your co-worker who you bitch to about Mondays? Not really your friend either, I'd wager. A friend, to me, is someone you know, like, and trust. This doesn't mean that you have to hang out with them every day--I believe that I have friends who live in different parts of the world, who I haven't seen in awhile. But I still know them, I still like them, and I still trust them. There are others who I see every day, but can't say that I really know them, like them or trust them--these people aren't my friends. Just something to keep in mind when you apply these totalitarian rules to your own life.
~~~~~
I promised I'd write about the best way to get out of an imposed friendship with a girl that you don't want to be friends with either because 1.) She sucks or 2.) You want to see her naked and she just wants to be friends.
I've tried several approaches to this, including being really mean, just saying no and not giving a reason, going into the whole "guys and girls can't be friends" theory, and giving in and pretending to be friends with the girl even though spending time with her made me want to punch myself in the nuts. None of them worked, or if they did work, they worked only after a laborious process of explaining and re-explaining, and eventually getting to the point that neither of us could stand each other and the friendship ended not because it couldn't conceivably work, but because we didn't like each other as people.
The only approaches I know that work are:
1. Telling a diplomatic version of the truth
2. Lying
I'm being a bit vague and ostentatious with my presentation of these solutions, but I'm serious.
Telling a diplomatic version of the truth works if your truth is one that she can make sense of. For example, I went on one date with a girl from one of my classes, who, after the date, turned out to be someone that I would clearly never want to spend any time with again. So I didn't call her, I didn't text her, and I didn't e-mail her. A few weeks after our date, she instant messaged me asking why I never got back in contact with her. I told her that I didn't think we'd be good together, and left it at that. ("You aren't my type," I told her. This, incidentally, is the only real way to tell someone you aren't attracted to them.)
"But can't we be friends?" she asked.
"I don't have girl friends," I told her. "It just never works out for me."
She insisted, depressingly enough, and I gave in. We hung out twice more, and I resented having the friendship forced upon me so much that I ended up being overly sarcastic and possibly somewhat rude to her. After she left some thinly-veiled attacks at me on her instant messenger profile, we never talked again.
This is an example of when a diplomatic version of the truth goes wrong. It's also an example of why you should always stick to your guns. But it can work. Here's an example:
I was seeing this girl I was very interested in recently, we'll call her "Overused Female Example and the Only Girl I've Had Any Hint of a Relationship With Since I've Been in New Zealand". I thought OFEOGIHAHRWSIBNZ was nice, but she ended up only wanting to be friends with me. When I finally got around to explaining to her that I didn't want to see her as friends, I used a version of the truth so we could both win.
"I can't be friends with you, it would hurt me too much," was the gist of it.
She resisted at first, but eventually understood. Now to be honest, I wasn't too upset when she broke the news to me, but I used a principal that I believe in, and something that I knew she would relate to in order to free us from an otherwise annoying friendship.
In situations like the first one, a lie may be the only way out of it. The lie will set you free, as it were. The second example was a bit more flexible, and I had more material to work with.
If you find yourself backed in to a corner, here are some lies that may help you:
- I have a girlfriend.
- I'm moving to New Zealand soon.
- I've been very busy at work lately.
- I am a Communist.
- My favorite singer is G.G. Allin
- I voted for Bush.
- I am very interested in having a threesome with you and your twin sister.
Of course, using them in conjunction with one another may prove difficult, but using one at a time will at least get you on the right track.
NEXT TIME: "No, I Mean It, We Can't Be Friends" OR "Some Frequently Asked Questions Regarding The Theory"
1This shouldn't even really count as an exception for two reasons:
1. The Billy Crystal reason: If you're with someone else, and you have a friend of the opposite sex, they won't understand why you need a friend of the opposite sex (who is, remember, at least somewhat attractive), and either the friendship or the relationship is doomed. Most likely the friendship, because you're not sleeping with the friend.
2. The non-Billy Crystal reason: You may have female acquaintances if you have a serious girlfriend, but come on, how close are you to the girls you haven't slept with if you have a girlfriend you actually really like? Not very close.
2. If the people are overwhelmingly unattracted to each other. (Most likely scenario: guy is unattracted to the girl.)
3. If at least one of the members of the friendship are in a relationship that they value way more than a sexual/romantic relationship with the "friend". (Most likely scenario: guy is in a relationship that he values way more than a sexual/romantic relationship with the "friend".)1
4. There is no number four. If you think that you have a male/female friendship outside of these exceptions, you're either the most mature person on earth, or you're wrong, and he wants to sleep with you.
I'd like to take a quick tangent to define friendship. I think it's fair to say that people use the word "friend" fairly liberally. That guy that let you copy his notes from economics class? Not necessarily your friend. Your co-worker who you bitch to about Mondays? Not really your friend either, I'd wager. A friend, to me, is someone you know, like, and trust. This doesn't mean that you have to hang out with them every day--I believe that I have friends who live in different parts of the world, who I haven't seen in awhile. But I still know them, I still like them, and I still trust them. There are others who I see every day, but can't say that I really know them, like them or trust them--these people aren't my friends. Just something to keep in mind when you apply these totalitarian rules to your own life.
I promised I'd write about the best way to get out of an imposed friendship with a girl that you don't want to be friends with either because 1.) She sucks or 2.) You want to see her naked and she just wants to be friends.
I've tried several approaches to this, including being really mean, just saying no and not giving a reason, going into the whole "guys and girls can't be friends" theory, and giving in and pretending to be friends with the girl even though spending time with her made me want to punch myself in the nuts. None of them worked, or if they did work, they worked only after a laborious process of explaining and re-explaining, and eventually getting to the point that neither of us could stand each other and the friendship ended not because it couldn't conceivably work, but because we didn't like each other as people.
The only approaches I know that work are:
1. Telling a diplomatic version of the truth
2. Lying
I'm being a bit vague and ostentatious with my presentation of these solutions, but I'm serious.
Telling a diplomatic version of the truth works if your truth is one that she can make sense of. For example, I went on one date with a girl from one of my classes, who, after the date, turned out to be someone that I would clearly never want to spend any time with again. So I didn't call her, I didn't text her, and I didn't e-mail her. A few weeks after our date, she instant messaged me asking why I never got back in contact with her. I told her that I didn't think we'd be good together, and left it at that. ("You aren't my type," I told her. This, incidentally, is the only real way to tell someone you aren't attracted to them.)
"But can't we be friends?" she asked.
"I don't have girl friends," I told her. "It just never works out for me."
She insisted, depressingly enough, and I gave in. We hung out twice more, and I resented having the friendship forced upon me so much that I ended up being overly sarcastic and possibly somewhat rude to her. After she left some thinly-veiled attacks at me on her instant messenger profile, we never talked again.
This is an example of when a diplomatic version of the truth goes wrong. It's also an example of why you should always stick to your guns. But it can work. Here's an example:
I was seeing this girl I was very interested in recently, we'll call her "Overused Female Example and the Only Girl I've Had Any Hint of a Relationship With Since I've Been in New Zealand". I thought OFEOGIHAHRWSIBNZ was nice, but she ended up only wanting to be friends with me. When I finally got around to explaining to her that I didn't want to see her as friends, I used a version of the truth so we could both win.
"I can't be friends with you, it would hurt me too much," was the gist of it.
She resisted at first, but eventually understood. Now to be honest, I wasn't too upset when she broke the news to me, but I used a principal that I believe in, and something that I knew she would relate to in order to free us from an otherwise annoying friendship.
In situations like the first one, a lie may be the only way out of it. The lie will set you free, as it were. The second example was a bit more flexible, and I had more material to work with.
If you find yourself backed in to a corner, here are some lies that may help you:
- I have a girlfriend.
- I'm moving to New Zealand soon.
- I've been very busy at work lately.
- I am a Communist.
- My favorite singer is G.G. Allin
- I voted for Bush.
- I am very interested in having a threesome with you and your twin sister.
Of course, using them in conjunction with one another may prove difficult, but using one at a time will at least get you on the right track.
NEXT TIME: "No, I Mean It, We Can't Be Friends" OR "Some Frequently Asked Questions Regarding The Theory"
1This shouldn't even really count as an exception for two reasons:
1. The Billy Crystal reason: If you're with someone else, and you have a friend of the opposite sex, they won't understand why you need a friend of the opposite sex (who is, remember, at least somewhat attractive), and either the friendship or the relationship is doomed. Most likely the friendship, because you're not sleeping with the friend.
2. The non-Billy Crystal reason: You may have female acquaintances if you have a serious girlfriend, but come on, how close are you to the girls you haven't slept with if you have a girlfriend you actually really like? Not very close.
posted by Chris Cusack at 2:56 PM
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