When it Rains, it Pours. When There's a Drought . . . Pretend You Moved to the Desert For the Climate.

Nancy was at the end of her rope. Her profession (social worker in a non-profit that assisted battered women) didn't lend itself to meeting interesting men, and her extra-curricular activities weren't doing it for her either. The bar scene is out (who actually finds a decent person at a bar anyway?), and getting fixed up was never all it was cracked up to be.

So she tried internet dating, had a few bites, went on a few dates, but nothing worthwile ever materialized. Time went by. She signed up for speed-dating, but quickly withdrew when she was assaulted by aggressive messages from middle-aged men from places as far away as Norway that basically screamed "LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME BABY? I'LL SATISFY YOU ALL NIGHT LONG." Ugh. What the hell else was there to do?

It's not like she was desperate, it's just that, you know, the biological clock went off earlier this year, and the alarm had this really annoying bell that sounded like it was saying "Ding! Old woman living in a run-down house with thirty cats! Ding!" Besides, didn't she deserve a decent guy? She was a nice girl--smart, funny, easy-going--when the hell was Brad Pitt or his very similar-looking relative going to come to his senses and call me up?

It wasn't always like this. She'd dated in school, she'd met some nice guys, but never one that really did it for her. Besides, she was never all that boy-crazy. She didn't need a man . . . but it would be nice to have a good one right about now. She was definitely looking.

But that was the problem, her mother said. "When you're looking for him, that's when you'll never find him. A watched pot never boils." Easy for her to say. Her mother married her father when she was nineteen, popped out a few kids, and never looked back or had a second thought. Sometimes it seemed like it would have been easier to live in the freakin' 50s . . .

Nancy's problem is a pretty common one, I think. A lot of people are looking for the right person. They've had their fun, and they're ready to settle down with someon decent, but they don't have any idea how to find them.

As trite as it sounds, Nancy's mom was right.

People tend to have this weird scent of neediness that hangs off of them when they're ready to find someone serious. It's that mental message that just pulses through the brain that says "LET'S GET MARRIED, HAVE KIDS AND MOVE TO THE COUNTRY" that somehow projects itself through the eyes of the person and out into the world and turns people off.

To love and be loved is probably one of the greatest feelings in the world. To need to be loved can be a little dangerous.

Do Land hasn't traditionally been the spot for actual legitimate advice (more like a place for commentary, whatever the opposite of political correctness is, and expression for Ben's latent-but-becoming-more-obvious homosexual urges), but cases like Nancy's make themselves available for what could be a quick fix that works.

Dear Nancy,

Nancy's internet relationship therapist wrote to her,

I have understood your problem and have some advice for you. You mentioned that you find yourself frustrated with the dating scene in your city (both in the bars and online), and the more you look, the less you find.

My recommendation is to set a time period, for yourself, maybe a couple of months or so, in which you will not, under any circumstances, look for or go on a date. Go to work, do your extra-curricular activities. Do whatever the hell else you'd normally do. Stay off the internet dating sites. If you go to bars, go with an intimidating group of girls who look as if they're probably lesbians. Wear flannel. Go to the gym, take up sewing or cooking, get a hobby. But stay away from dating. This way, the message to your brain is not "OH MY GOD WHEN AM I GOING TO FIND A MAN?"

"I don't think that to myself," Nancy said to herself.

The message is then "I'M TOO BUSY TO FIND A MAN."

"This advice sucks," Nancy thought. But she continued reading.

But it's not just the message that will help you feel better about not having a date on Saturday night. If you do it correctly, you won't be thinking about it, and you'll put off an air of indifference. Indifference is attractive, Nancy, and men will notice this. When they ask you out (and they will), you'll be a lot less willing to break the mindset you've been in, and your standards will probably be in a very different place than they are now. You'll reject guys that you may have gone out with before (if only to see if they surprise you or something), and you'll find that guys you would've thought out of your range expressing more interest. And even if they don't, it won't be because they aren't interested--it'll be because you're not dating right now.

"Well, that seems to make at least some sense," Nancy thought. Then she got up from her computer, found her purse, and drove to the store to find some batteries for her vibrator.

¹Which is not to say that they are necessarily needy or desperate, but they are looking for substance, which many people aren't really willing to give right at the beginning, male or female.