Why's He Such a Misfit?

"Hey dude, check out my last post, I go off on Xxxcalibur films for their last DVD!"

My friend, who we'll call "Kris" for privacy's sake, was way way way into porn.

He had this blog, and would occaisionally write about porn, but in this really addled way that made about as much sense as do most porn plots, which only indicated to me the depths to which this porn thing had infiltrated his otherwise sound mind. Well, sorta sound, anyway.

One day he posted an eight page screed on the lack of ATM/DP/FFM/BYOB scenes in his latest porn DVD acquisition, A Compendium of Scenes of Sexual Copulation set to Music, Vol 18.

So I told him this rather insipid but moral-pointy story about this kid I knew in dental grad school. I packed tight my hookah, layed down the charcoal and began my tale:

Way back in dental grad school I knew this kid, who for privacy's sake I will call "Chris". Besides being the only person I knew who was getting his masters in the history of Soviet dentistry, Chris was also way way way into porn, specifically cartoon porn from this Asian coutry which shall remain nameless, cause we all know where I'm talking about. Viet Nam.

Chris had this Vietnamese girlfriend, whom (though her name was Jennifer) he insistantly called "Xiao Mei". Kinda stupid, since Xiao Mei is a Chinese name, but I digress.

One day as we were in the lab practing our drilling technique on plaster jaws, Chris suddenly slammed down his drill: "My sex life, Benjamin, is about boredom, and naught beyond."

I calmly placed my very expensive and very high quality German carbide interproximal burr-tipped drill in its holder. "Man," I said to him, "your English has improved big time since last I spoke to you... but, boredom? Jennif... Xiao Mei seems like a really sweet girl, and from what you've told me she doesn't seem to be boring. What gives, my Trotskyite bro?"

"I dunno, I mean, I guess I just really want to give some of the things I've seen in my toon-porn a try, you know, like, sex with multitentacled monsters, or, like, this schoolgirl/witch-demon-goddess with quadruple D-cup breasts, magic breasts."

"Yyyeah," I said doubtfully, "I guess that might be interesting, but, um, have you considered that those specific acts might be a little, maybe, fanciful?"

Chris blinked uncomprehendlingly as he dug at his back molars with his fingernail. He checked his nail for findings as I continued, "Well, what I'm trying to tell you is this, um, why don't you just try licking your girl's nipples with cold water in your mouth, like everyone else? Why this need for exxxtreme sexxx?"

"Ben," he said, whilst chewing on whatever tid-bit of lunch he had dislodged, "you just don't get it. I just hate to think that some guys out there are getting their rocks off with hot multitentacled monster demon witch schoolgirls, and I'm stuck at home with Jennif... Xiao Mei, who a) has NO tentacles, I mean none, and b) as far as I know has no legions of sexy demon warrioresses at her call."

His finger returned to his mouth for another foraging sortie, as he raised his eyebrows at me, confident he had made his point.

"Look, esse, Jennif... Jennifer doens't have tentacles because Jennifer is a human being. And while you're off downloading toon-poon, your real live girlfriend is sitting at home, listening to Cold Play and fondling herself lonelyily. I think you should consecrate your heart to loving her, you know, more giv..."

"Consecrate? Hhhoh shit, is this some kinda 'God' thing? Are you trying to convert me to Catholicism again?!"

"Uh.. no, but!! I mean, I would love to, or... I... I have some brochures here if you're interes..."

Rolling his eyes, he picked up his drill and resumed his practice. Clouds of plaster smoke blew up into his face and eyes.

"So," I said to Kris, "what did you think of my tale? Do you see how the smoke from the fake plaster teeth was blinding Chris to the reality right there in front of him, the eternal truth of the Catholic Church?"

"Wh... No, the point I got was that you were trying to say that porn is whack."

"Oh, ah... ehhhh.. Yeah I guess that's sorta the point too, more on, like, a literal level."