Public Policy
General Op-Sex "Friendship" Guidelines Addendum Form B (For those in a relationship. Singles see Form A)
Definitions:
Friend: using Zane's description of 'friend' as some one you know, like, and trust.
Op-Sex: abbrv. opposite sex.
1. No new "friends" of the opposite sex. None.
1a. No one-on-one business lunches with op-sex-member except those that are absolutely necessary.
Note: It is absolutely crucial to the survival of your primary relationship that you protect it from all novel interlopers. Make a serious examination of conscience before you allow even the slightest of attachments to form between yourself and new op-sex "friend".
Objection: "But shouldn't you be more secure in your relationship?"
Reply: Moron!
2. Old friends of the opposite sex will be allowed to slowly slide into once-a-week contact, if that much.
2a. This includes your friend from high-school, and I am wondering why/how you have kept such close contact with op-sex-member from high-school for so long? I mean, once a week, really? I guess it's possible, but I'm looking at you sorta suspiciously right now.
Note: See Zane's previous arguments as to why op-sex friendships are more or less farcical to begin with. Realize that most if not all of the op-sex friends you developed in your single phase are now threats to your relationship if they are not held at arm's length.
Objection: "No way, Tony/Amanda has been my friend forever, I mean, even though we made out that one time I still think we are pretty good friends and I don't at all think that we would ever hook up, so how is he/she a threat?"
Reply: Idiot! So what if you wouldn't hook up (despite precedent?)? Your significant other WILL eventually piss you off, and when you run to op-sex "friend" for op-sex advice, the "friend" will seem sooo nice and conforting and understanding, not at all like significant other, who is lately a real pain in the ass... right? THREAT!!
3. This includes homosexual op-sex "friends". Yes it does. Yes-hunh.
Note: "Homosexual" op-sex "friends", despite being "gay", present the same threat as other op-sex friends for the reasons described above.
Objection: "Gosh you're so antiquated! Don't you know that homo means same? If we're different sexes, and they only like the same sex, how is that a threat?
Reply: Moron Idiot! See "Note", paragraph 2. Unless your "gay" "friend" is a total flamer/bull, then what the hell are you doing cultivating such a close relationship with them anyway? And if they are a flamer/bull, what the hell do you talk about? Forced conversations about how much you loooove guys/girls? Sex tips? Guhp.. gross.
APPROVED FOR GENERAL DISSEMANATION, DO LAND COUNCIL of GUIDELINES
posted by bgeorge77 at 1:18 PM
1 Comments:
"does this include friends also in relationships?"
Especially "friends" in relationships! Have you ever heard the saying, "Misery loves company"? No? What about the saying, "Lonely married people like to boink other married lonely people who work at their office"?
"or what about friends with a 20+ year age difference?"
If the older person is a male, and the younger person is a female, then I would say that the younger person is in for an imminent boinking. I would say to her little lolita-ass that she should stop trying to wheedle money out of dirty old men and get back to the project at hand: reproducing with young men who aren't going to be kicking the bucket 2+ decades before she does.
If the older person is a woman and the younger person is a guy, then I would say get your head out of the gutter. It's like his mom! He's just trying to understand women with the help of an older mentor. Unless he's trying to boink her. Guhp..
"and what about deformed friends?"
Let's be real: Deformed people have no friends. They have "benefactors", people who hang around with them in the vain attempt to "score points" with God. "Hey God!" they say vainly, "Does this count?"
"really really fat friends? "
See "deformed", above.
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