Let Me Hear Your Body Talk

A friend, who for privacy's sake we shall call "Karl", had this problem where his mind and his body were in constant battle over what he considered attractive. I, as a Catholic, found this "battle" sort of Neo-Platonic/Gnostic and thus incompatible with my faith. I tried to inquisition him, but, having recently moved cities, was thwarted by the fact that my guillotine was in storage.

It turned out though that he had in fact decided to decapitate himself, in a manner: He had developed a device that would allow him to completely sever his mind from his body. It was basically a modified bagel slicer with a very large power supply, and a really sharp blade.

He had performed the mindendectomy on a stormy night, and where before there was one man on the table, a mind and then a body arose in the flashing eerie light with thunder in the background and all that. Boom... BOOOOMMMMmm crackle crackle crackle, the background went eerily.

Unaware of this, however, I met him on the street the day after his successful autodivorce.

Me: "Karl my dear atheist materialist, how goes the revolution?"
Karl's Body: "F-ck you b-tch, where's the p-ssy? Show me or I will kill you."
Me: "Good God man! What on earthhaahggg!"

He hit me over the head with his hairy fist, shook me by my shoulders violently, and shoved me roughly out of the way as he continued down the street.

Later that night I saw him log-in to the instant messenger. A transcript of our conversation:

Gifted1: yo dawg, what gives with your attempt at murdering me earlier today? not cool :-(

Karlito: i am not sure to what you are refering, mightn't you be more specific?

Gifted1: i mean when i saw you and you tried to quash my life with your meaty damned hand.

Karlito: ah. i seem to have forgotten to inform you-- as of 3:13am last night, i and my body am no longer on speaking terms.

Gifted1: holy misuse of science.. are you saying that your bagel thing worked?

Karlito: yes. i am, as of now, a pure mind. where is your catholic "unity of body and soul" crap now? i am now free to pursue relationships with cool girls i meet on the internet without the fear that they will dissapoint me, chemically speaking, when we meet in person. meat in person, that is LOL!!!1

Gifted1: dumb! :-/ you've never heard of IWannaGetChemicalChemical.com? it's a pretty incredible new dating paradigm, they can match you up based on chemistry. they use science.

Karlito:i hear that it's a rip off. my cousin used it and he went on three dates with guys before he realized that he's not gay. n-e-wayz, that's not an issue for me anymore, i am pure mind. i am free of the entanglements of the corrupt fleshy matrix of the world.

Gifted1: sounds heretical. sounds like you will regret your decision to flaunt the natural mode of human existance as ordained by God. sounds like you will learn this lesson through some sort of ironic/appropriate situation, like your mind falls in love with the same girl as your body, but now you're in some kinda love triangle, a bizzarre love tringle, and she will leave both of you, and it will be ironic, and appropriate.

Karlito: that sounds tite for like a music video or something.. but i doubt that will be happening, as i can assure you that even now my body is probably somewhere contracting AIDS and/or being hit by a truck, that stupid son of a bitch...

Gifted1: but without the humbling concreteness of physical existance, your mind will quickly become enamored of its own perfect freedom, and will begin to arrogate Godlike powers to itself. It will become heavier and heavier with its own self-importance, and like Satan, will fall from heaven like lightning, thus cutting itself off from all possibility of love for all eternity.

Karlito: :-(

Gifted1: LOL!!!!1

Karlito: man, that "enamored of its own perfect freedom" is soooo me right now. i'm beginning to think that this bagel thing wasn't a good idea afterall... perhaps i should try to go find my body before it gets chlamydia or something.

Gifted1: i know huh!

Karlito: all i really wanted was to expand the circle of girls that i could date, i keep finding these girls that are smart, but not hot, or hot, but not smart. it's so sad that "sex" can get in the way of a good conversation.

Gifted1: spoken like a true pure mind!

Karlito: LOL! LOL!!!!!1