Baby Come Back
Dear Do Landers,
My boyfriend is from another country and has to go back there in just a few weeks. Unless he wins the greencard lottery he will be unable to return for at least a year. Since I cannot obtain a work visa to his country till October, we are, at the moment, unsure of the future of our relationship, which we both would like to continue. Any advice (comical or serious) would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Madge
Receiving two legitimate questions over a month's time is enough to make my head spin. Part of it, I'm sure, is my ever-growing talent as a wordsmith. The other 99% is taking on Cibbuano, who has embarrassed Ben and I with a record-breaking 14 comments on his first post. Disgusting.
On to Madge's question.
You've got a difficult situation there, Madge. Luckily I'm familiar with both you and the BF in question, and I understand the subtleties of the situation, which are important to know. If I were taking this call from a call-in show, I would ask two questions before going anywhere with this: (1) How old are you? and (2) How long have you been together? The answers to these, for anyone wondering, are (1) Old enough to drink and make reasonable decisions; and (2) Long enough for your question to be valid. If you had been together two months and decided you needed each other enough to cross hemispheres, my advice would be different.
My biggest problem with people moving somewhere for another person is that it often shows a lack of respect for the mover. A person will move in the name of love, and somehow end up in Flint, Michigan, where they sadly realize there's nothing to do but be miserable and make appearances in Michael Moore documentaries.
Is there anything you can do in his country to help you grow, to become a better person? Do you like it there? Would you even develop the slightest consideration for moving there if it weren't for him? If you said yes to these questions, you're on your way.
As for the time gap—you can get through that. If you really want to make this thing work, my advice is not to set any rules. Telling yourselves not to think about white elephants will, of course, lead to thoughts of nothing but white elephants. If you date people, and they suck, you'll be happier to see him when you get off the plane in Siem Riep, or Moscow, or wherever this dude is from. And if it turns out that even though you've given each other permission to date, and you don't want to, that's a fine testament to your commitment. Of course, we have to consider the dark side: if you/he meet someone, and you like them enough to abandon your plans, then, well, that's something you have to prepare yourself for.
If you're uncomfortable with that idea, then I say abandon it and demand celibacy from each other. Good luck!
Ben? Cibby? Anyone? What do you think?
My boyfriend is from another country and has to go back there in just a few weeks. Unless he wins the greencard lottery he will be unable to return for at least a year. Since I cannot obtain a work visa to his country till October, we are, at the moment, unsure of the future of our relationship, which we both would like to continue. Any advice (comical or serious) would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Madge
Receiving two legitimate questions over a month's time is enough to make my head spin. Part of it, I'm sure, is my ever-growing talent as a wordsmith. The other 99% is taking on Cibbuano, who has embarrassed Ben and I with a record-breaking 14 comments on his first post. Disgusting.
On to Madge's question.
You've got a difficult situation there, Madge. Luckily I'm familiar with both you and the BF in question, and I understand the subtleties of the situation, which are important to know. If I were taking this call from a call-in show, I would ask two questions before going anywhere with this: (1) How old are you? and (2) How long have you been together? The answers to these, for anyone wondering, are (1) Old enough to drink and make reasonable decisions; and (2) Long enough for your question to be valid. If you had been together two months and decided you needed each other enough to cross hemispheres, my advice would be different.
My biggest problem with people moving somewhere for another person is that it often shows a lack of respect for the mover. A person will move in the name of love, and somehow end up in Flint, Michigan, where they sadly realize there's nothing to do but be miserable and make appearances in Michael Moore documentaries.
Is there anything you can do in his country to help you grow, to become a better person? Do you like it there? Would you even develop the slightest consideration for moving there if it weren't for him? If you said yes to these questions, you're on your way.
As for the time gap—you can get through that. If you really want to make this thing work, my advice is not to set any rules. Telling yourselves not to think about white elephants will, of course, lead to thoughts of nothing but white elephants. If you date people, and they suck, you'll be happier to see him when you get off the plane in Siem Riep, or Moscow, or wherever this dude is from. And if it turns out that even though you've given each other permission to date, and you don't want to, that's a fine testament to your commitment. Of course, we have to consider the dark side: if you/he meet someone, and you like them enough to abandon your plans, then, well, that's something you have to prepare yourself for.
If you're uncomfortable with that idea, then I say abandon it and demand celibacy from each other. Good luck!
Ben? Cibby? Anyone? What do you think?
posted by Chris Cusack at 11:27 AM
7 Comments:
If anyone moves away from me, I say, "Fuck her, she made her choice."
Of course, I am a little more bitter about this subject than most.
Breaking up with a girlfriend/boyfriend by moving to different countries is #3 on the 'How to Break Up and Remain on Good Terms' list.
#1 is dying in your loved ones arms and #2 is being exposed to radiation and turning into a superhero that exists in the past, present and future, and can manipulate matter at will. See The Watchmen.
So, #3 is the way to go. Yeah, you'll be sad. But think of the future! You'll always think of this boyfriend in a positive light, and you'll still have feelings for each other, since neither of you had time to cheat on each other.
Then years from now, if you coincidentally meet, there'll be that fantastic sexual energy between you, which may result in a bed-breaking round of marathon sex.
Then years from that, you'll be middle-aged, surly and cynical, picking up 18-yr-olds in dance clubs and taking them home. As they climax early under your bucking hips (see Booty Call), you'll always remember the tender lovemaking that you had with 'the one that got away'.
My comment is that whatever you decide, make it really clear.
If you're going to be seeing other people, then make that clear.
If you're steadfastly waiting until October for a love reunion and expect celibacy, make that clear.
If you break up, make it really clear that it's final.
If you can't stand breaking up, then you might as well make the mental decision you're getting married (or common-law or whatever) and move over there pronto.
Nothing destroys a relationship like long distance. Trust me, I know very well.
I'd like to be positive about long-distance relations since everyone else is pretty negative, but I have to agree that it's not the way to go. Either move with your boy or break it off.
I just think weighing the good with the bad, the investment you need to make into a long distance relationship isn't worth it, from my experience.
It happened to me...because I didn't have the finances or the know-how to manipulate the red tape. I let it go. Because I had to. Knowing that 'one of these days.....'
A few years later we met again. I had the money and the power to wait out the bureaucracy and the girlfriend.
He's in the other room now.
Here's a cheesy 'grab your wine and crackers', cliche for you: If its meant to be, it will be.
Buffy:
What?!? You had the money AND the power to wait it out?
You sound like a super-villain... Let me guess; you've got a kryptonite ring, right?
the decision: after talking about it we decided that since we had to wait at least 8 months, we would not be celibate or put pressure on the relationship by trying to stay together when we are clearly apart. In 8 months though, if I've got the money or he has the availability then we'll start the ball rolling. As Buffy said, we decided "what will be, will be."
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