Ex-Girl To The Next Girl
If there were a manual for how to get over your ex-girlfriend, it would probably read something like this:
That's about how long the manual would be. In my experience, time and busying yourself with other women are the only ways to get over an old flame.
In truth, spending time with random hoes doesn't really do the trick either--you're likely to compare them to the old, and in retrospect perfect, girlfriend and obsess over it so much that you can't even maintain an adequate erection. In the best-case scenario, you forget about them for a little while, and then kick yourself for "humiliating yourself" and "stooping so low that you call up the old high school football manager who, rumor had it, participated in a blow bang before every game on the off chance that she'll still have a crush on you" and then "being called pathetic by said football manager when you make lewd innuendos to her over the phone." Especially worrisome is the realization that you've "ruined any chances you have of getting back with Samantha" by sleeping with girls that you'd never associate with otherwise.
You're better off just locking yourself in a room with stacks (or in more modern cases, gigs) of pornography, and not leaving until you can't stand the sight of a woman. This usually lasts around twelve minutes. After that period is over, you've just got to get out there and meet new people. Don't waste your time with the fat girls or the football coaches (unless that's really what you're after in a serious relationship, but who are you trying to kid?)--there's only one way to go in this game, and that's up. If you're caught dating a less-than and you run into her with Orlando Bloom on her arm, it's pretty much curtains for you, and all that time you spent whacking off will have been for nuttin'.
In this period of searching for a greater-than, you will probably revert back to reminiscing about the good ol' days. Man, she was cool, wasn't she? Supportive in all the right ways, caring but not smothering, and the things she said to you in bed--Jesus. . . But really, was she actually all that great? Remember why you two broke up in the first place1. Sure, you two had some good times together--like the time she gave you road head on that trip home from school--but those days are over. Get back to square one, rub one out, and get your head back in the game. Remember Cowboy, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
In conclusion, if you pick the right fat girl, she will probably give you a rimjob if you ask her in a romantic manner and with the utmost respect.
1Growing apart, diverging interests, sometimes you felt like you didn't even really know her anymore, you suspected that she had some unresolved issues regarding her parents that she never really worked through, and although you felt for her, you didn't really want to be the one who had to solve them for her.
So She Dumped Your Ass: How To Get Over Your Ex
Breaking up is hard to do. If you have recently been on the receiving end of a "Dear John" letter, you know that this much is true. Even if it was a "mutual decision" or if you were the one to give the hoe the heave, bouncing back can still be tough. Here are some helpful suggestions on how to get over your ex:
1.Rebounds: Not Just For Basketball
If there's one thing Dennis Rodman taught us, it's that if you are famous, people will pay attention to any dumbass thing that you do. If he's taught us two things, they are that if you are famous, people will pay attention to any dumbass thing that you do, and rebounds are where it's at.
Getting involved with, or at least sleeping with lots of anonymous partners can keep you busy and take your mind off your former lover. Plus, if you do it with a fatty, you can simply fantasize about your old girlfriend while you're in bed with her, and you probably wouldn't have any trouble with going right ahead and calling her by your old girlfriend's name--she's just happy to be on the show--and remember, you're the star, not her!
2. Time Heals All Wounds
Sadly, what this really means is that there ain't shit you can do about it but wait. It doesn't help if you write poems about how good things were or call her one last time to remind her that you're over her.The End.
That's about how long the manual would be. In my experience, time and busying yourself with other women are the only ways to get over an old flame.
In truth, spending time with random hoes doesn't really do the trick either--you're likely to compare them to the old, and in retrospect perfect, girlfriend and obsess over it so much that you can't even maintain an adequate erection. In the best-case scenario, you forget about them for a little while, and then kick yourself for "humiliating yourself" and "stooping so low that you call up the old high school football manager who, rumor had it, participated in a blow bang before every game on the off chance that she'll still have a crush on you" and then "being called pathetic by said football manager when you make lewd innuendos to her over the phone." Especially worrisome is the realization that you've "ruined any chances you have of getting back with Samantha" by sleeping with girls that you'd never associate with otherwise.
You're better off just locking yourself in a room with stacks (or in more modern cases, gigs) of pornography, and not leaving until you can't stand the sight of a woman. This usually lasts around twelve minutes. After that period is over, you've just got to get out there and meet new people. Don't waste your time with the fat girls or the football coaches (unless that's really what you're after in a serious relationship, but who are you trying to kid?)--there's only one way to go in this game, and that's up. If you're caught dating a less-than and you run into her with Orlando Bloom on her arm, it's pretty much curtains for you, and all that time you spent whacking off will have been for nuttin'.
In this period of searching for a greater-than, you will probably revert back to reminiscing about the good ol' days. Man, she was cool, wasn't she? Supportive in all the right ways, caring but not smothering, and the things she said to you in bed--Jesus. . . But really, was she actually all that great? Remember why you two broke up in the first place1. Sure, you two had some good times together--like the time she gave you road head on that trip home from school--but those days are over. Get back to square one, rub one out, and get your head back in the game. Remember Cowboy, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
In conclusion, if you pick the right fat girl, she will probably give you a rimjob if you ask her in a romantic manner and with the utmost respect.
1Growing apart, diverging interests, sometimes you felt like you didn't even really know her anymore, you suspected that she had some unresolved issues regarding her parents that she never really worked through, and although you felt for her, you didn't really want to be the one who had to solve them for her.
posted by Chris Cusack at 7:52 PM
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